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Apr. 20th, 2005 | 09:46 pm




Reasons
to Fear Canada.


BY SEAN CARMAN
courtesy of McSweeney's
- - - -


Ninety percent of population is massed within 100 miles of northern American border.

Seems not to mind that one of its provinces has turned almost entirely French.

Excessive politeness only makes sense as cover for something truly sinister. But what?

Citizens seem strangely impervious to cold.

Decriminalization of marijuana and acceptance of gay marriage without corresponding collapse of social institutions indicate Canada may, in fact, be indestructible.

Has infiltrated entertainment industry with singers, actors, and comedians practically indistinguishable from their American counterparts.

Consistently stays just below cultural radar yet never quite disappears.

Parliamentary government and common-law judiciary appear to function acceptably yet remain completely inscrutable.

Never had a "disco phase."

Seemingly endless supply of timber, donuts, and Scotch-plaid hats with earflaps.

Keeps insisting it "has no designs on America" and "only wants peace."

Plays a mean game of pond hockey.



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Comments {6}

Alana

(no subject)

from: treshirecat
date: Apr. 21st, 2005 05:48 am (UTC)

gee, i'm scared of canada

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CTV3

(no subject)

from: wiggawam
date: Apr. 21st, 2005 07:00 am (UTC)

I was going to say, those damn canadians but then realized I'm French Canadian, so I shall refrain.

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Junior Kickstart

(no subject)

from: dointhepanic
date: Apr. 21st, 2005 04:51 pm (UTC)

alternate title: "reasons why canada is god".

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Erin

(no subject)

from: femmephilosophe
date: Apr. 21st, 2005 05:37 pm (UTC)

except for the endless supply of plaid hats with ear-flaps.

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(no subject)

from: hound_dog13
date: Apr. 22nd, 2005 04:58 am (UTC)

number #1: my mothers from canada. and let me tell you--there is nothign more frightening than an angy canuck.

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notorious

(no subject)

from: justbarelythere
date: Apr. 25th, 2005 12:13 am (UTC)

no no no: there is nothing more frightening than a "mother". Having her be a Canadian surely has little or nothing to do with it. Unless she's sicked a beaver on you, you have no real knowledge of proper Canadian wrath.

WE'RE COMING AFTER YOU NEXT, AMERICA!
VIVE LA CANADA, BRANLEURS! (<--we have to be bilingual and use our French. In American, that translates to: "Long live Canada, wankers!)

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